Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): As a single father how are you able to still raise your daughter with balance?

Ramel Werner (RW): The balance comes from having and maintaining a healthy relationship with her mother. No matter how we feel about each from time to time, Ryann loves and needs both of us.
EM: What has been some of the most challenging aspects of being a single father raising a girl? What has been some of the most rewarding aspects?

RW: Sometimes I have a hard time handling the over-sensitive nature she has, and I feel like I’m  not adequately helping her with things she gets upset over. The most rewarding aspect would be the absolute worship in her eyes when she sees me. As soon as I pick her up from school or walk into a room, all I hear is Daddy, Daddy!! No matter what kind of day I have had, that brightens my day 10 fold.

EM:  What are a few things she has taught you, especially as it relates to the nature of the female, that you appreciate?

RW: Ryann has taught me that no matter what insecurities I may have about myself, I am perfect in her eyes… That it is important to laugh… That prayer is a part of every single day. Every moment… To slow down and listen… To never give up… That spending time with them is more important than the perfect home… To not take life for granted… That her heart is more important than stuff… That being a father is a gift… To love. Deeply… That family is ultimate of importance… and the only perfect thing in this world is her smile.

EM: How important is it for you to be the example of the husband you hope she will have one day? What, if any, did you have to change about yourself? What values, advice and standards are you teaching her?

RW: When someone says “oh, your child looks like you”, you hope your child inherited your best features. But when someone says “oh, your child is doing this just like you”, you hope your child is not misbehaving in any way from your bad examples as a father.

One of the most important things I needed to change was my concept of success. There were many a times in my younger days, I was quick to quit something that wasn’t necessarily in my immediate reach. When Ryann was born I noticed a pattern when she would get upset easily. She would give up on the task at hand and move on to something else.  I started telling her whenever she was faced with adversity and wanting to give up that “Werner’s don’t quit.” I now know one of the many reasons God blessed me with Ryann was for me to remember that saying as well.

EM:  During certain transitions in her life that are women-specific, what support system do you have in place?

RW: I rely heavily on my mom and sister for support. I also have a network of women, family members and others who can translate some of what’s happening in my daughters life.

EM:  How do you approach the idea of dating as a single father? Dos and Donts, requirements of the woman you’re dating, the opinion/feelings of your daughter, etc.

RW: Easy. I don’t date. My main objective at this time is Ryann 1st and the relationship of her mother and I 2nd. It takes a good team work to raise your child right. I feel it’s important for me not to focus on attraction to other women until we’ve exhausted all possibilities of becoming one big  happy unconditional family.

EM: What is your response to those who speak critically of single fathers raising girls? What are your thoughts of single mothers raising boys?

RW: In all due respect to those who speak this nonsense… Are mothers and fathers different in how they raise children? You betcha. But so what! When these discussions arise, they should never, ever be about the parents. They must always be about the little ones who give us their trust that we’ll behave like responsible adults, and so, bring grace into their lives.

EM: Is there anything else you would like to add?

RW: My daughter Ryann has opened my eyes to the beautiful struggle fathers face in giving their lives to their children. It isn’t comfortable, and often times it flat out hurts, but raising a daughter builds depth of character that can only be understood by others who have traveled a similar path.

I thank God He saw fit to make me a father..

Ramel Werner is a proud father, motivator, educator and encourager. The desires he speaks of start with an alarm clock waking him up every morning and his goals toward them are what get him out of bed.

Follow Ramel on Twitter @ItsRamel and visit him online at www.ItsRamel.com 

Ebony S. Muhammad (EM):  It is very apparent social media has a serious stronghold when it comes to promoting a message, creating a movement, and generating business especially for entrepreneurs. However, one very interesting element of social media is the power and attractive pull of imagery.  

You are actually tapping into all of the above elements through beautiful photos of yourself modeling modest attire on Instagram, which is an image-driven platform. 

Before we get into that, please share a little bit about yourself, your upbringing and how you became passionate about fashion and modeling?

Neelam Hakeem (NH): My name is Neelam Hakeem. I chose the name Neelam for myself at the age of 12 when my father came home one day and said that he’s converting from Christianity to Islam. He legally changed our last names from our slave name and gave me a choice to change my first name if I choose to convert as well. This showed me the power of choice, and that whatever change you make in a moment can define you for the rest of your life.

I picked one name from a list of holy/Muslim names based off how it looked to me and most of all its meaning (achiever, blue gem). That’s one name, one word. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then if I choose to present myself a certain way, I feel that I’m choosing to wear all of the beautiful names at once.

As far as my passion for fashion, I’ve always worked in retail and, like the typical girl, I like to dress nice for a good price. I always say you can’t buy style, so if you can make a great fit for cheap you got it. I’ve never considered myself a model, and honestly still don’t. In my opinion with the way social media is set up, everyone is kind of a model, at least on a good day.

EM: On April 1, 2017 you launched the rebranding your Instagram page to reflect the fashion side of yourself. What sparked the shift?

NH: I’ve always struggled with covering my hair and modest dress due to my love for cute hairstyles and clothes I used to feel was a must.  I thought that covering modestly took away from the “fashionable” looks I use to go for. My opinion drastically changed on #MuslimWomensDay.  On that day I looked through the hash tag becoming completely spellbound by the beautiful Muslim women and girls who slayed, modestly. It was at that moment that I decided to commit to modest fashion.  I also wanted to possibly be an example, like the women who inspired me, so I decided by Allah’s Grace to try to push and promote my modesty decision. I’ve received so much love by Allah’s Grace from Muslim and non-Muslim women around the world, and it inspired me to keep striving to continue. I now know modesty is real beauty!

EM: In my humble opinion, you have collided with a major domino effect of other Muslim women on social media promoting a genre of beauty that is being celebrated on major magazine covers. Halima Aden who was recently featured on Vogue and Allure Magazine as “The face of things to come”. Also Ibtihaj Muhammad, the Olympic fencer, who has been featured on various magazines and newspaper covers. Even Rihanna, who doesn’t profess to practice Islam but has been featured on the cover of Harper’s Bazzar wearing Muslim attire in one of her most beautiful photo shoots to date.

What does this surge in modest fashion, Muslim models and covering beautifully with style say about the direction of the standard of beauty that was once considered to reflect the complete opposite?

NH:  I feel that modest fashion has always been beautiful and an unstoppable force. I believe those at the top know that there is a huge growing market for this and ultimately want to control it so that they can profit off of it. The positive part is that this beautiful style is being presented more for women and girls to feel beautiful about them self through the representation.

On the flip side, those who ultimately control the market care only about money and will not hesitate to have us in modest fashion in spring and then convince us that we are liberated by taking it off in the summer time if its profitable. To me it’s more important that you stay true to yourself regardless of what the market is pushing.

EM:  Being a citizen in the Nation Of Islam and a student in the MGT-GCC (Muslim Girls Training & General Civilization Class), how has social media enabled you to connect with other Muslim women interested in modest fashion from all over the world? How have aspects of being a MGT opened ways to promote sisterhood? For example the collaboration you are doing with Ruma B.

NH:  On #MuslimWomensDay I followed many Muslim women and girls who are and have been modest giants in the social media world. I was shocked by the love and support I received after I made the change on my page. Its beautiful, because it’s all becoming a growing family that constantly inspires you. That’s the crazy thing about social media. Most of these girls I’ve never met in my life (with exception of a few), but you feel like you know each other.

Being an MGT has taught me sisterhood with women outside of your blood. So when I talk with other Muslims and women of color, I talk to them as sisters. Thus @Rumastyles who lives Detroit and is Bengali running for Jet Set magazine, I support her and all Muslim women to the fullest. Being in the Nation teaches you about supporting each other. So my support for them and their brands allows them to realize there is no threat just love! Most of them have beautiful spirits to match their outside beauty.

EM:  The rise in Muslim women showcasing beauty and style is definitely getting the attention of the world, especially because it contradicts what the controlled media has projected of us. What do you see coming out of this shift? How do you see yourself contributing to what appears to be much bigger than an individual person but a world wide sisterhood and movement against the outright lies and the false beliefs that Islam oppresses its women and girls?

NH:  I believe the skies the limit. We are dynamic and intelligent, and contrary to what most people think, Islam liberates the God given talents of a woman. I believe we will see a Muslim woman become the “Beyonce” of singing, the “Denzel Washington” of acting,  an “Einstein”,  a “Barak Obama”, etc.

I’m just enjoying myself keeping my mind and spirit open to endless possibilities.

EM: What has been some of the feedback you’ve received online regarding your fashion style? What have the women who are not Muslim with you? Who are a few of your favorite modest models of all time and of present time?

NH:  The feedback has been a tremendous blessing. Different brands are constantly sending me items to style and promote. I’m featured on many brand and modest fashion pages, some with millions of followers. Best of all it is becoming profitable to promote for different companies. Some of my biggest surprises are the non-Muslim feedback. A county singer, Mickey Guyton,  who’s single is on the county charts, posted me as her WCW, which had me speechless. I’m getting brands that have nothing to do with Islam whose followers have been very sweet. Also, my old high school friends have been very supportive with my change.

Some of my favorite modest models are: Mother Tynnetta Muhammad, @feeeeya (Saufeeya Goodson) @chinutay  @Shahdbatal  @_enimsay (Yasmine Simone) @rumastyles @falieshagomezz  @marwaatik and @aaliyah.jm

EM: One thing I hear said among some women is the “If you got it, flaunt it” mentality.

The buzzwords we hear or read about are “liberated” or “free” or “independent” or “modern” or “feminist” and I’m sure there are more. How has society so wisely manipulated women, unbeknownst to them, into believing flaunting herself uncovered makes her independent and modern and a feminist?

NH:  I feel like what sad about it, is the way they make you look like if you are covered, as if you are oppressed or you aren’t free. They push that if you take your clothes off you’re free, and if you don’t take your clothes of your not free. That sounds pretty dictating. That’s dangerous for women and girls, because we often have insecurities. You want to be loved, pretty, noticed and admired. So the same people that dig on your insecurities and put up images that make you feel bad about yourself are the same people that come with the answer to liberate you. Liberation is not putting yourself out there for people to validate you. Liberation is a personal decision you make to yourself, where you can look at yourself in the mirror and be pleased with yourself the way you are.

EM: Many of our women and girls learn to base the standard of beauty on what is on TV. Also what their favorite hip-hop artists convey about women through their music and videos. What words would you like to share with women and girls who may believe they are beautiful or pretty only when uncovered? How would you address the subject of respect, self worth and self love to those who see women praised and glorified on “reality” shows?

NH:  If you feel that way it’s because of something external that is telling you that, and made you believe that lie about yourself. You are what you believe you are. Your physical makeup is beautiful, but you truly don’t know yourself if you think that’s all you got. What makes us superior over all of the living species on our planet is our mind. We can’t run as fast as a cheetah, or fly like a bird, but our mind is unparalleled. To limit yourself to your physical makeup is to restrict all of that which makes you most powerful.

“Reality” TV isn’t real. Even if it was, if you take a second and analyze the men those women attract as oppose to someone like Michelle Obama, you would see a big difference. The more you obtain knowledge of self and God, the higher your self esteem and self love will rise, and you will carry yourself as the magnificent being you are. You will also attract all the great things you deserve.

EM: Is there anything else you would like to add?

NH: A gift is best served wrapped! Stand out and don’t go with the norm. Did you know that Rihanna started following Muslim beauty blogger @sabinahannan. Mystery and virtue is attractive in a world that lets it all hang out.

EM: Yes ma’am! Beautiful words to live by! Thank you for sharing your journey with modesty and fashion with us! May Allah continue to bless you with great success. 

{Be sure to follow Neelam Hakeem on Instagram for more of her beautiful and modest fashion!}

Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): I want to thank you for sharing the testimony regarding faith that you gave towards the end of your message the other week entitled, “Who has the courage to follow Farrakhan?”

Wesley Muhammad (WM): All praise is due to Allah. Thank you.

EM: You are not the only one that has had those type of questions relating to faith. You opened up about what you described as a tear in your spiritual garment, regarding where Allah, Master Fard Muhammad, intervenes in our affairs on an individual basis, aside from His anointed Servants. You said, “I didn’t see myself as being on the radar of the Lord of the Worlds.”

What was it that caused you to feel that way and draw that conclusion?

WM: Well, again, partly my path and partly the way my mind actually works. By path I mean I was an atheist before Islam. I was anti-religion as an intellectual. When I did come to Islam, it was through the Five Percenters, and the Five Percent Nation is anti-religion. We think differently about religious matters. We tend to need more demonstration of a point of a religious matter than most religious people. So I already had that predisposition to need greater demonstration of faith matters. That’s what it is. Faith matters. Matters that have no empirical proof, but we have to have faith in their regard.

After 28 years of critically engaging this teaching, I’m pursuing religion with a totally academic perspective. I bear witness that there are still matters that are a matter of faith. We just cannot prove them, and those are very valuable matters of faith. But in my earlier stages, those matters of pure faith, I needed a more robust demonstration of them. And one of those matters was, “Is the God, Whom I acknowledge as Master Fard Muhammad, interested in the affairs of the little believer?” Life’s challenges makes all of us ask the question, “Where is God in our life?” And for me I needed mathematical or critical demonstration of it. We would bring such questions to our pastors or ministers, “Where was God in our life when this happened?” We bring those to our pastors and we get the pastoral answers. We get the “foot prints in the sand” poem type of answers, but for me as an atheist and Five Percenter, that just was never persuasive to me. They weren’t real helpful to me. Those pastoralisms weren’t helpful to me. I needed something more concrete to make my religion make mathematical sense on a personal level. On a global level it made all the sense in the world. Master Fard Muhammad, He is Master of all of these planets and life forms that are on all of these planets. He’s the Master of them, so He’s very pre-occupied, in other words.

So I did not, I could not telescope the God into my personal life, not intellectually. Not in a way that was intellectually satisfying to me. So that was my blind spot. I needed demonstration of His intervention in my affairs, and on a critical thinking level I did not feel that I was able to point to convincing proof to me. Even though, of course, they were there all the time, but where I was in my thinking I could not point to demonstrable proof that He was intervening in my affairs all while He is protecting His Messiah against the most power government in the world, and marshalling the forces of the other civilizations of the planets to come against the enemy. He has big ticket responsibility. I was looking for and I needed more convincing evidence in the midst of all of that He even had time to consider my affairs.

EM: You answered that so beautifully, and you answered the second question regarding what evidence you were  in need of that you weren’t receiving. Thank you for going right into that.

This next question is regarding your research and your doctoral dissertation revolving around the reality of God in Him being a  man. We know that…well I’ll speak for myself, because I have your books; I know that there’s no deficit in your knowledge, but how and when did you realize…

WM: Well we all have deficits in our knowledge. We all work with a marginal merit. The only one who does not work with a marginal merit is the Messenger of God. Anything short of revelation, has a marginal merit.

EM: Yes sir, thank you for your correction. Allow me to say it like this in the context of this question: How did you and when did you realize that there was a deficit in your faith compared to your level of knowledge? 

WM: That was always a nagging question for me. It followed me and it nagged me. I’ll tell you this if I can share it.

EM: Yes sir, go ahead! 

WM: There’s this experience. There was this Summer between one of my semesters. I was a poor, very poor student. So eating and finding the next meal was a task. One time I went up to a brother’s house, who was a F.O.I., and he happened to have a fish fry. And he happened to have enough for myself and my brother who I came with and who was my Five Percenter teacher. I hadn’t or didn’t want to join the mosque yet. There was the discussion about praying over the food. Obviously, the Muslims were praying. I was inclining towards the Muslims, but I was there with my teacher, who was a Five Percenter, who gave his reason why not to. So I conceded to his reasoning, and as fate would have it, as they all were enjoying and as he was enjoying his fish sandwich, mine fell on the floor before I could take a bite of it. I was so mad and so hungry. (laughs)

The question of whether I, as a little believer, am on the radar of the Lord of the Worlds that He would even receive it (prayer over food) was what the argument was. Why would He receive it if it’s ritualism? Why would He receive this praying over fish? So that issue nagged me throughout my whole journey. There were some nagging issues. So it wasn’t a moment in which I discovered the tear. It nagged me from the beginning until I got to Chicago and demonstrable proof, demonstrable evidence, was given to me. But it nagged me the whole time.

EM: Yes sir, thank you.

In January of this year, the Study Group webcast that was shown from the Final Call Administration Building in Chicago with Sister Ava Muhammad and a few others, featured clips of the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan teaching about faith and knowledge. He said, “Faith is greater than knowledge. Faith is in the absence of knowledge.” 

WM: Yes…

EM: And he went on to say, “We are not the Best Knower, we have to have faith in Him, Allah.”

WM: That’s right…

EM: He said, “Big belief can accomplish what those in this world with knowledge cannot.”

WM: That’s powerful.

EM: Yes sir. How and at what point did you begin to tip the scale of what you know toward faith? What was that first thing that you had to do, or what was that first step you had to take?

WM: Beautiful question. The faith versus knowledge dynamic was also the dynamic that was in my consciousness from the very beginning. It became acute for me, because Allah happened to bless me to know. This is to emphasize the tear in my spiritual garment, because Allah blessed me, Sister Ebony, to factually know the reality of this Teaching of Islam. My introduction to the Teachings was totally intellectual. My approach to it was academic. I studied every aspect. The truth of this Teaching, the body of wisdom is not a matter of belief or faith to me. It is a verifiable body of knowledge that I can demonstrate by Allah’s grace across the world.

Allah blessed me to become a knower of the truth of His Islam, not a mere believer in its truth. However, therein lies my challenge and my trial. All while I’m sure and self assured that Allah has blessed me to be a knower of the truth of my religion, while I’m seeing people all around me — and I’m the main antagonist in many of these situations– people having their faith ripped out from under their feet, because knowledge will come to them or something would challenge their faith, and oftentimes it’s me ripping their rug of faith out from under their feet. True story. So while I’m self-assured in the truth, I’m still conscious of the fact the Quran is very clear that, “Blessed are the believers…”. It’s the believers, not the knowers. So I’m conscious of that this whole time, but not knowing really what that means except that I know that I had my deficit.

I did become increasingly aware of the issue of whether I am on the God’s radar. For a long time it was an intellectual question and academic question. It nagged me purely intellectually in the beginning, but over time it became clear that it’s not just a matter of an intellectual matter to be solved. As life progressed and things got harder, it did become clear to me that it is the source of a spiritual deficit. I did become aware as life progressed that that intellectual blind spot really is a spiritual deficit. So then it became a problem for me. It did disturb my soul for a long time. I had issues negotiating prayer, just on that intellectual …. “Will the God hear my prayer?” The time came where that was a pressing issue, not just on my mind but in my soul. So it did become an urgent matter for me. So I studied prayer, the science of it, and I believe Allah blessed me with understanding of the science of prayer, but again that was intellectually.

It wasn’t until I came here (Chicago) and things happened and I had to privilege to get guidance from the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan. As Allah is my Witness, I asked him specifically at his table in Phoenix, “Dear Holy Apostle, I know and understand that you as the Messenger of God, you have the Two backing you. Do those Two intervene in the life of the believer as well? I know that’s the prerogative of the Messenger to God, or the Messenger of God, have the Two backing him. Do those Two back the little believer in the same way?” And his answer was, “Yes, absolutely. They will back you, if you are with me. If you are with me.” And that is the criteria, because he is the door to our access to the Power of the cosmos. He is the door, and he went on to explain beautifully, and disabused all of us at the table of the notion that God is only the God of Farrakhan, that God is only the God of Elijah. Master Fard Muhmmad is the God of all us. Every believer, every Black person. He came for each and every one of us. So, yes He absolutely intervenes in our affairs.

Now as my life in Chicago would develop, Allah gave me the test. He put me in a situation to test that wisdom, to test that learning. I can say with all assuredly that if we are with Farrakhan, if we the little believer, if you will, are with God’s man, Allah is with us individually. Not just in a generic sense, but in a real personal sense. He is the God. He becomes the God of Wesley, the God of Sister Ebony as much as He is the God of the Honorable Brother Minister Farrakhan.

EM: Praise be to Allah! Thank you so much for sharing that!

WM: Praise be to Allah.

EM: Along with that particular instance of you asking him that question, you said that the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan is the “Father of your faith.” I think about what a father is; an authoritative figure, a guide, a nurturer. In what ways, aside from what he did in answering your question, did and does his representation nurture that part of you that needed to know? 

WM: Very directly. Very directly.

EM: Let me say this Dr. Wesley. For those of us who have never sat at the table with the Minister to ask a question like that, is why I say his representation. 

WM: Yes ma’am. Understood. It’s a blessing. I said the Honorable Brother Minister Louis Farrakhan is the Father of my faith, and I spoke deliberately. He isn’t the Father of my belief. I had belief without faith. I had belief that grew to knowledge, but all the while I didn’t have faith. It was absent, even in the transition from belief to knowledge.

The Honorable Brother Minister Louis Farrakhan is Father of my faith. He engendered faith in me. How has he nurtured my faith? Very directly as well as indirectly. I remember, dear sister, a particularly difficult moment in my life and I had come to him. I was blessed to get an audience (meeting) and share my pain. He gave me love and guidance, but he also said something that just floored me and knocked me in the head. He said, “When you’re a Muslim, insecurity is hypocrisy. A Muslim, by definition is one made secure in Allah.” If we are Muslims and we have faith in Allah, then we are secure in our Lord. Nothing should come to us that makes us insecure, and I was very insecure in a matter.

I’ve often said from that rostrum that the Minister’s way ain’t easy. Farrakhan’s way ain’t easy, but his way is empowering. He empowers. And I’m using that word deliberately. He empowers those who are blessed to be around him if we have an appreciation of his way. When he hit me with that, and he actually said it publically, it got me into shape and my faith was so concretized after that. That’s an example of him nurturing my faith, that he fathered my faith. He knew what I needed and he smack me right, because God forbid, I don’t want to be a hypocrite. If I am insecure in Allah then I’m not being a Muslim.

EM: Thank you for that! 

I only have a couple more questions left. 

For those who may consider themselves to be “realists” and need to know what it feels like and what it looks like when that faith is starting to materialize: What did you begin to see? What evidence did you begin to see when you were feeling your faith being nurtured? 

WM: One of the first moments of epiphany…It has to be the day I arrived in Chicago. I think I had just gotten the keys to my place in Chicago, and I remember sitting in my car and I said to myself, literally, “I want to bottle this moment right now and drink from it and the feeling of it forever.” Because the year prior to that moment was one of the most difficult times in my life. That most difficult year was I think, if I’m getting my chronology correct, can be said to have been ushered in with a very painful meeting that I had with my Messenger (The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan). It was a very painful meeting, in which I left feeling crushed and that year would go on to be very, very difficult for me. It was particularly painful for me. Man, the Minister was smacking me up something awful (laughs). It hurt, and later I got a great understanding of it, but man Sister Ebony, that was painful.

So while personal matters in my life were at rock bottom, on top of that I’m suffering from the trauma of not knowing my place with the Messenger of God. That was very difficult. Did I fall out of favor with the Messenger of God? That was a profoundly difficult year for me. I was thankful up to that point, always blessed to be called by the Messenger of God as a part of his Research Team. To be blessed to have an audience from the Messenger of God, then we go back home. That, in and of itself, was way beyond what I could ever dream for myself as I dream of my future. So the thought that it had ended, that somehow I messed up so bad on top of everything else that was crushing, never did imagine that the Messenger of God would call me and invite me to Chicago with him, invite me to be at that time on the National Council of the Nation Of Islam, to bring me and my family.

Before I got to Chicago, he would bring me in and counsel me about the trip. He asked how old I was, and I told him I was about to turn 40. He mentioned that Jesus never lived to 40, and Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) career didn’t make it to 40, but that the Honorable Elijah Muhammad after 40 years of his Mission, he began a new one. He said this is a new beginning for me. A totally new beginning for me. So when I landed in Chicago that day, I’m sitting in my car, I had just moved in and I was overwhelmed by the moment. I was a daydreaming child, I was always inclined to daydream. I always dream big, but I never dreamed this big that I would be brought to Headquarters by the Messenger of God as a helper of his in this way.

That’s why I wanted to bottle that moment. I knew I would have an occasion to need to sip on it. I did not know exactly what that meant, as it turns out, but I knew I would have a need at times to sip on that bottle, if I could bottle that moment. I think that was when I had an, “Allah does still love me, because I did not ruin myself with His Messenger”.

EM: Yes sir. Praise be to Allah! 

With that said,  we know that trials will definitely challenge our faith down to our very fiber. What are you doing to maintain and sustain your faith despite the trials?

WM: Praying! (laughs)

Praying a lot more. Praying with purpose a lot more. Very simple. Praying with purpose a lot more. Now the value of prayer isn’t just intellectual. Intellectually I got the science of prayer, but life’s circumstance taught me the value of praying. Life’s circumstance here in Chicago is one of the first major trials I encountered. I thought I could self-god my way through with the Five Percent “The Black man is god. I’m a self-aware Black god.” So I literally thought I could self-god my way through that particular trial.(laughs)  I learned that I am not the god for this task, and I was forced to turn directly to and call directly on Master Fard Muhammad in a specific way, and His answer was very blatant.

That was the beginning, just the beginning of the demonstrable evidence, the robust, demonstrative evidence that I needed. He would intervene numerous times, and even when I didn’t see it or understand as such, the Honorable Brother Minister Louis Farrakhan helped guide me with an understanding of what just happened. He shined a light on Allah’s Hand in these various situations. He has helped me to know that I am, we are on, personally and individually, the radar of the Lord of the Worlds. He has intervened in my affairs, but had the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan not put me under his wing and given me spiritual guidance, I would have been knocked out of the game that first year. The spiritual tear that I came with would have been sufficient. The first year was sufficient to just rip the garment off of me if not for his counseling and feeding my faith.

EM: When I was interviewing Brother Rasul Muhammad a few years ago about how his father, the Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad, escaped the death plot, one of the things he said was that the Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad’s faith forced their faith. By their, he means the believers who were with him prior to his departure. For you to make the point that standing with and following the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan is one of the ways that we can sustain our faith is parallel to that, very powerful and I’m sure very reassuring.

WM: Yes ma’am. This life requires constant upkeep of faith. Faith once acquired requires constant upkeep, because Allah deliberately sends things in our lives and challenges the level of faith we are at, at the time. When we have little faith, then what He sends to us to grow our faith will be relatively little, but as our faith grows, the adversity grows to challenge the level of our faith at the time all with the aim of leveling up.

EM: I was just about to say, He’s going to level us up!

WM: He will level us up. Yes ma’am.

I appreciate you, and I appreciate your questions.

EM: All praise is due to Allah! Thank you for your time and testimony. I think for those who are religious can identify with needing to know and balance off the blind faith with having knowledge of the truth that support their faith. And for those who are not religious can identify with how to go about achieving demonstrative evidence of the Lord of the Worlds to know for sure that they are on His radar. May Allah continue to bless and grow you and us all in our faith in this Time. 

WM: Yes ma’am. You as well.

Greetings,

I would like to open this interview for those reading to understand the amount of courage it takes to discuss such an issue, despite how it’s “trending” on social media right now. I guarantee you it is not trending by the hands of those who have suffered sexual assault or abuse of any form as much as it is by those seeking to exploit the pain and trauma of survivors, causing them to relive their experience all over again.

Niedira Kenny is one of my closest girlfriends, whom I’ve known over 15 years. She is also one of the strongest women I know who inspires me endlessly…and her stance within this interview further solidifies my sentiment of her. We’ve been through it all together, and I am deeply honored that she came to me 1) to open up and share her story with me, and 2) to ask me to help her share some of her experience and perspective with the world for the very first time since it happened, nearly 5 years ago. Because I too share a similar story and have been a megaphone for countless of others to share their stories, I knew the magnitude of the call I received.

This is not only a message to the critics who spew their unsolicited and vile comments via social media, but this is a word of Empowerment for those who feel like the wounds of their experience(s) are being torn back open by these recent events in the media and news. Not only do we share your story, but we are coming to your defense to push back against those who have no right to oppose why you chose your particular path to healing!

Peace & Love,

Ebony S. Muhammad, Publisher of Hurt2Healing Magazine…and Survivor.

Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): With the recent surge of survivors of sexual assault speaking out, we’ve also seen the unfortunate pushback of their courage to finally tell their story. There have been those on social media who speak, most of the time out of ignorance, as the authority of when survivors should give their report/account. From your perspective and experience, why does the time vary for survivors to speak out?

Niedria Kenny (NK): The short answer is because we are all different and we process differently. The long of it is, many factors play into why a person has chosen to be silent, resulting in disclosing of their assault to occur years later.

Factors such as fear of losing employment. Fear of being judged and told that you did something wrong. Fear of being called a slut or whore or as a mother, fear of being stigmatized as a bad mom because you were out in the first place instead of “home with your child/children.” However, no one knows that your child was with the other parent the night it happened, and you have a right to be able to go out to eat or to the mall or to dinner etc. Fear that you’ll share your story and it will fall on deaf ears. Fear of your attacker striking again. Fear of people not believing you. Fear of people picking apart your story to say that you could have prevented it and concluding with comments about how you did something wrong.

When it’s not a random rape attack by someone you don’t know, you fear that you will have to see them again. You work together, you’re a part of the same social circle, you attend the same church, you do business together, they are family etc. You don’t see a way out. You are embarrassed and simply don’t want anyone to know what happened to you.

For some, like myself; after the attack they are still in survival mode their selves. So, reporting the assault for the sake of “speaking out” to prevent “others” from potential danger and to be the one to put a rapist behind bars, is an afterthought. They are thinking about what they need to do, to continue to survive. If they can do this without saying something, which in a lot of cases is what they have done; then that’s what they do. That’s what I did.

REF: Survive, outlive refer to remaining alive longer than someone else or after some event. Survive usually means to succeed in keeping alive against odds, to live after some event that has threatened one

REF from video game perspective: Survival mode, or horde mode, is a game mode in a video game in which the player must continue playing for as long as possible without dying in an uninterrupted session while the game presents them with increasingly difficult waves of challenges.

Then, there’s fight or flight.

REF: What Happens During the Fight-or-Flight Response. In response to acute stress, the body’s sympathetic nervous system is activated due to the sudden release of hormones. The sympathetic nervous systems stimulate the adrenal glands triggering the release of catecholamines, which include adrenaline and noradrenaline.

When you’re done fighting you take flight: It happens at the time of the assault and like adrenaline; it last until it doesn’t last. And like the adage, “It is …. until it isn’t anymore.” In other words, “What will be, will be, until it isn’t anymore.” That includes pain… and fear.

That adrenaline manifest in running, hiding, being very quiet… just as you would if your life is still in danger. You feel as though you are still under the attack. So, you sit there, and you be quiet so that no one will know. No one can find you when you’re quiet and you stay tucked away in that dark corner, unseen. You wait for it to “go away” (the feeling: the attacker) You hope that it will just “go away”

When the feeling subsides, and you feel “safe” sometimes you talk about it. That could be years later. That could be the next day, depending on how long it took that individual to come to grips with what happened. If they are lucky, they realize it was not their fault and then, they begin to speak.

It is important to remember when we are addressing one’s actions and response to anything, that everyone is different. We are created with same but not equal body parts or processing abilities.

With that simple understanding first, we would allow ourselves to be less critical when judging a person’s willingness or unwillingness to come forth at which the time their assault happened or at a later date when determining them to be credible or not and when chiming in with our own premature hypotheticals about what we would have done or what someone in that situation would have done.

For so many reasons, a person chooses to disclose it later: They have sought help for themselves and are now strong and courageous enough to talk about it without fear of judgement. They know they did nothing wrong. They are ready to take the next step to address what has happened so that they can overcome a fear of the past. They are willing to stand in the gap for others because they can identify with why someone else didn’t say something- so they come forth as a sacrifice to try to assist the next person to ensure they are not alone and that it’s ok to come forward. They want to be a part of the solution by educating and bringing awareness to aspects of why people don’t speak up. They couldn’t do any of this before, because they couldn’t do it for themselves at the time. You can’t help others if you are not well yourself. You must take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

Your fear of not surviving becomes overpowered, overshadowed with your determination to live and to assist others in doing the same. And this…. May take time.

EM: Filmmaker Ava DuVernay recently tweeted the above pie graph outlining the commonly used “causes” critics claim women are raped, with the entire graph pointing to “rapists”. For those who don’t understand this message, is there any justification for a woman to be sexually assaulted? Why would anyone suggest these other causes are warranted? 

NK: Again, the short answer is NO. Just as the word no, means no. These reasons are suggested mostly by people who have been made to believe and have accepted it as an answer, through perpetuation.

Whether they are a victim or a critic chiming in to “repeat” something they heard. It’s very, very easy to judge but it requires thought, attention to detail, analysis, and many more compassions which should exist in humans, to be able to not judge. This means work for the simple minded.

I believe they suggest this because it’s an easy way out of having to tackle a real issue. It’s an excuse to protect their loved one; their family member; their organization; the reputation of an affiliation; the attacker. And we’ve all heard that excuses are what the devil dropped on his way to hell. Victims then believe this, because everyone else has said it. And they too want an easy way to just accept what happen when they are trying to get over it or put it behind them or forget it ever happened. It’s easier to do when you can say it must have been your own fault. But that very thing is why they are a victim.

I don’t personally dress in a provocative manner but if I did, that’s absolutely no invitation to take, rob and steal from me something that I have not willfully consented to you having.

In fact, these excuses above have been challenged in the fact that rape happens with children and adults at the hands of people they know and none of the above excuses apply to something they were doing.

In my case, I had on pants that went to my ankles, a leotard that buttoned at the crotch and a wool, long sleeved coat and knee-high boots – nothing about that said, come rape me. I was sober enough to drive and I was sober enough to say STOP-NO! And it still happened.

If you can’t conclusively say that rape occurrs for these above excuses on this pie chart, then they should not be considered reasons. More importantly, and once again; the rapist is the reason a rape occurs. There isn’t one scenario which would satisfy the statement that a woman/girl deserved to be raped, was asking to be raped or knew that by doing any one thing, that it would warrant rape and then be acceptable as a cause. Period. Just as there isn’t one viable reason for a person to steal from someone.

And unless you can show me one thief who stole property who was caught, who was able to tell a Judge that the company he stole from deserved it because their prices were too high, and he his charges were dismissed because a Jury collectively agreed that this was a valid reason; then why is rape? If this happened, Versace would get robbed every day, because it’s acceptable.

If you want something from something and you cannot have it, and it’s not given to you; it is NOT YOURS to take under any circumstance. A woman’s body is her temple. Forcing entry is a break-in. Engaging in a sexual assault and rape is a violation. Sex without her consent is robbery on a level that could never be satisfied with sentencing because she cannot get that back. Yet we still can’t get people to believe that the act itself is wrong or to acknowledge that rapist is the problem in this scenario and not the victim!

NK: In the age of social media, which provides a platform for information to exist on a level where it is shared and seen daily by millions; Anything from a bad customer service experience to the most recommended DIY project is recommended and distributed by its users. There is no mistake that the news on social media travels faster than newspapers can press it, T.V. reporters can report it and online publications can upload it.

Victims and survivors of rape are among those users. Because this too, it is a topic of discussion. Especially since the #MeToo Movement.

I have to say that judgmental comments, ignorance, limited knowledge and lack of experience concerning what women and men go through might just be the number one cause beyond a person’s fight or flight, survival mode; which impairs their ability to speak out.

With regards to women and myself; they have already run these scenarios through their head when internalizing and thinking that they did something wrong or deserved it, because the world put a definition on people who dress or look a certain way being susceptible to rape to justify it happening. They have already been made to feel that rape is not a crime punishable by jail-time. They have already been made to feel that such a violation on their body is not serious enough to warrant jail-time of a first offender or a high-profile public figure, or even a random man who preys on women…. And that their precious bodies or even virginity are not worthy of consideration when it comes to being violated.

So, when they are ready to speak, they encounter what they feared in the beginning; which are those comments about how it took so long to talk, how they were dressed and not limited to what they were engaging in when it happened. They do not want to relive it again under public prosecution and humiliation and embarrassment.

Comments and judgements are the reason a victim may retreat from speaking even though they are ready to tell the story. Why? They are not ready to be attacked again by a much larger forum called “the world.” They don’t want to live through the assassination again, the humiliation or embarrassment on a larger platform this time and by people making statements about what they could have done when the issue is not what they could have done or should have done. The issue is that rape shouldn’t happen, so any comment about why it happened is repulsive. Victims will often refrain from making comments or speaking publicly after seeing how others (the public, social media users, ignorant people, people who have never experienced it, people who are protecting others) respond to another victim’s story. They began to reassess their own story all over again.

These comments made out ignorance will hush a victim, therefore setting off a mass destruction of victim’s stories, whereby they then retreat to their black hole. OR the comments will produce a firestorm of others who are willing to talk in defense for others. And therefore, you will see people who decide to tell their stories 2-5-10-15 years later. It’s not that they have an ulterior motive in sharing. It’s that they have been reading comments, processing comments and they are fed up with the ignorance, so they decide to speak! But for the ones who are not there just yet, sadly but understandably; they retreat.

EM: What actually takes place in the mind of a victim after being assaulted? What thoughts, fears and emotions do they experience? How does this play a role in whether they tell anyone?

NK: Personally, I had thoughts of guilt and shame.  I replayed the night immediately on the way home. In fact, I began to replay it as I was walking from the building and establishment in which it took place, as I walked back to my car. “What should/could I have done differently?” “I shouldn’t have said yes, I will take you to get your car.” I should not have said, “Yes, I will walk with you inside for a second.” All of that replayed in my head. But the problem with that is, those thoughts only come after it had happened. And if nothing of this magnitude had of happened, you would not have had those thoughts. I replay what ifs, for no reason, because what if was not a question, minutes before it happened because it shouldn’t have happened….it wasn’t supposed to have happened. Those THOUGHTS should never supersede the fact that it should have never happened because it wasn’t right at all!

Those thoughts only come after, because you had no reason to feel that it was about to happen. Because you trusted them. But that’s the guilt. I felt guilty. I felt shameful, because in my case, after it happened; I noticed there was a surveillance camera which had captured it all and all I could think about was who would see it and who was watching it happen and how they could watch it without helping me. I felt as though I had been raped by everyone who saw it.

The very next day, a manager, an owner and customer of the establishment began to taunt me on social media (on my Instagram account) about what happened. Sending messages by posting videos of themselves inside the shop on the same spot mimicking what happened and mocking me and making statements about my undergarments…. without saying my name. It was very clear that they had watched what happened and they thought it was hilarious. How disgusting!

I didn’t want to tell anyone at that point because I felt as though if I never agreed to take him to get his car or walk with him inside the establishment it would not have happened and I knew that’s how the world would process it, without any consideration given to the fact that this was my friend and I trusted him and had no reason to believe that rape was a possibility in this situation.

I felt as though the people who were watching it, represented the world: Cold, Heartless, Careless, Disrespectful, Uncaring, Unconcerned, Gross, Disgusting, Nasty, Dirty, …. So why should I tell anyone?

When I thought I had the courage to make a report, I called the police, who also made me feel as though “the victim” was the one who did something wrong; so, I changed the story to act as if it was reporting about someone else and not me.

EM: What do survivors need for themselves and from others immediately, and then over time as they begin to process what has happened to them?

NK: Regardless of when a survivor has chosen to speak out, they need compassion without blame and understanding without judgement from the people they are entrusting with their story. They need someone to believe them. They need someone to tell them that they did not deserve this, because that is the bottom line truth. Overtime, they need their support group to allow them the necessary time to speak. While it’s important to report it, again, we are all different and may not be ready to share with anyone aside from the person we shared it with; the details of what happened. So, what we need is for someone to recognize that we may need time and just support in the process of healing ourselves first. Do not rush them, because it makes them feel guilty and they are already dealing with guilt over it happening to them. It creates a heavier burden when they feel pressed to rip the Band-Aid off right away. It’s easier to peel away at a scab and allow fresh skin to be seen, than it is to keep rubbing a wide-open wound.

While healing “properly” is taken into consideration with my analogy above- I can’t say that there’s a proper way to address an overall concern which affects every individual differently. Xanax treats anxiety, but everyone with anxiety can’t stomach it. In prescribing prescriptions, a good doctor can gauge from questions what will work better. And therefore, all suggestions will not work for every person.

EM: Why do you believe it seems easy for critics to speak vehemently to survivors, especially in a way that tends to re-victimize them? What words do you have for those who feel they have that right?

NK: The question answers itself; its EASY. It’s the easy button! If we don’t want to deal with something, we just ignore it or tell the victim that they are the problem and there… It’s solved: Stop wearing short shorts.

They are the problem for it happening to them, they are the problem for bringing it up, they are the problem for addressing it. All the while nothing gets handled. And it’s not even an easy fix. It’s just an easy response. When people don’t know or understand, it’s natural to criticize. Otherwise, they are superstitious in believing in things that they don’t understand. No one knows why rapist rape people or why they are rapist to begin with. There’s a dichotomy in that alone and something that needs to be addressed. And instead of people tackling that as the issue, they attack the victim as the problem. Thus, they are not a part of the solution.

It’s easy for people to attack a victim because they are defending someone they love and can’t/don’t want to believe for themselves that this person was/is, capable of doing such a thing. Rather than consider it as a possibility after listening to details and evidence they shun it, are opposed to hearing it, shut down listening or are outright ignorant as hell in being able to do due diligence. They simply do not want to hear it because it concerns someone that they love and adore for whatever reasons; Son, Father, Pastor, Business Partner, Elected Official, Churchman, Community Organizer, Doctor Brother, Uncle, Cousin, Family Member, etc. They have loyalty to that individual or are under control or are reaping a benefit that comes from association or affiliation with that person, so they want to support that person at all cost. They too, are victims of manipulation and deception and are selfish enough to come to the defense of an abuser to make sure that their benefits do not suffer from the prosecution of this monster!

The ones who speak out without any grounds for dismissing a survivor’s claim are disgusting individuals to me. They represent the epitome ignorance, the epitome of selfishness, the epitome of vile and they too, are just as bad as the rapist himself. Because they too, have now raped a victim of their right to tell their story. They rape a victim of their right to share it on their own terms, they rape a victim of their right to free themselves of the demons of their past. They rape a victim of their right to address the abuser/attacker. They rape the victim of their right to be innocent and due process. They rape the victim of their right to processing emotions differently. They rape a victim of their right to be angry or sad or emotionless or full of emotion when sharing their story because of the judgement that will follow about how they “should be acting” if this truly happened to them. They rape a victim of their right to save the life of another individual, therefore leaving them feeling that this happened to them in vain.

What I would love for these people to do is to have a seat at the table with victims and survivors of rape and allow each of them to tell their very different stories of how their rape happened. I would like for them to be as opened minded as they have been closed minded, to listening to victims and survivors who have decided to speak out along with those who have yet to take a public platform and stance against it, so that they can understand that people are different and that rape is real and that rape under any circumstance is a crime and that no one deserves to be raped. I would like for them to listen to the stories before they discredit the storyteller. I would like them to hear the story before they dismiss the contents. I would like for them to understand the circumstances surrounding a victim’s life at the time in which their rape occurred to try to gain an understanding as to why it was not reported immediately.

Most of all, I need them to just know that rape is wrong. And that even if you don’t believe it happened, keep in mind YOU WERE NOT THERE!!!!! So, listen before you prosecute, listen before you pass judgement, listen before you chime in and NEVER EVER, AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE SAY to a victim “Why are you just now reporting it!” And if you can not do any of this, DO NOT CHIME IN AT ALL.

EM: What words do you have for the survivors and their supporters to encourage and empower them concerning how to deal with critics?

NK: Dear survivors, you have survived what may possibly be considered the worst of what life can deal you. You are not to blame. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You are worthy. You did not deserve this, and you did nothing to deserve this. Your attacker is the one who did something wrong. He/she is a sick individual mentally, emotionally and spiritually wounded and quite possibly destroyed so this is the way to rebel. THIS does not excuse their behavior. It does justify your voice to speak out and to speak up and to be courageous and confident in standing in your truth. Someone violated you. You did not violate them by anything you wore, by any amount of drinks you had, by any establishment you chose to patronize, by any affiliation or social organization you decided to be involved in,  by any flirtatious behavior you had… because if you said no OR did not consent; you were raped and it was not your fault. I believe you. I understand, I stand with you. You are not stigmatized… I do not see you differently just because someone violated you. You are exactly what you were prior to the rape occurring. Except now, when you tell your story, you are a hero.

Dear Supporters of rape victims and rape survivors, I need you to tell them the same.

EM: What do friends and family of survivors need to know, do and/or say when someone opens to them about being sexually assaulted? Are there any additional don’ts you would like to mention?

NK: Your family member and or close friend has just endured a traumatic moment. They are afraid. They are in survival mode. They are fearful. They feel violated. They are embarrassed. They are humiliated. They are already blaming themselves in most cases. They are already on the brink of not surviving! They want to die! They want to survive! They are conflicted. They just lost a part of themselves. They are confused and cannot process why this just happened to them.

They are a victim! Don’t ask them if they were drinking. Or how much they drink…Don’t asking them what they were wearing? Don’t ask them why they decided to go or do anything with their abuser/attacker on the day that it happened. All these questions imply that they did something wrong.

The message here is that rape is wrong on all levels, multiple levels and is never justified. So, when someone says they were raped, it doesn’t matter what the circumstance was. Because there is no excuse to justify it and there is no reason that validates rape. It is never the victims’ fault.

It is ok to give advice to women about going out and how to be vigilant. In doing this, you are making them know that rapist is out there. Rapist are the problem and since they are out there, here’s what you need to know about being aware but even if it happens and you did all that you were “supposed to do” they exist because they are who they are; it is not your fault! But never making them to feel that something they are doing is what warrants the rape or sexual assault.

Never tell them what they “should have done”, because again, you are telling them that it is their fault. Never tell them what you “think” they did is what allowed the opportunity for the rapist to rape them. They are a victim in any instance of rape! Support their decision to share the information with you and do what you can to access the resources and tools available and at your disposal which would aid in the immediate healing process and in the case of someone who has spoken later, continue to offer them support. Support in the form of letting them know that their choice to speak about it 10 years, 5 years, 2 years later is okay.

EM: Is there anything else you would like to add?

NK: I would have spoken about this sooner if I did not have to consider the insensitive, ignorant, and unwarranted re-victimization comments that would have followed. I would have spoken sooner if I knew that people understood that rape was wrong on all levels. I would have spoken sooner if I knew that I didn’t have to risk being called a bad mom over this happening. I would have spoken sooner if I knew that this wouldn’t ruin my business connections, affiliations, relationships and sabotage my success if I brought charges against the attacker. I would have spoken sooner if I knew that I would not be exiled from my social circle and deemed a snitch or a seemingly promiscuous woman since this happened to me.

I would have spoken sooner if I wasn’t worried about how I would look to the public, being someone who advocates against this very thing. I would have spoken sooner if I was not worried about people saying I got what I deserved just because they don’t like me. I would have spoken sooner if I was not worried about people who would say that I am just looking to make money off the story, make money off the man, destroy a man’s life who “probably just did not want to be with me.” … according to what people would conclude.

I would have spoken sooner if it wasn’t an NBA player whom everyone loves and adores. I would have spoken sooner if it wasn’t a man that everyone in the community respects and admires. I would have spoken sooner if I had as much money as this man so that I could afford the legal defense that he would have. I would have spoken sooner if he wasn’t a politician who knows how to ruin my life if I ever make this allegation. I would have spoken sooner if it wasn’t my boyfriend or my husband, my pastor, friend or family member.

I would have spoken sooner if I was comfortable with the police. I would have spoken sooner if I did not over hear someone say that a woman did something that warranted rape. I would have spoken sooner if I knew that people wouldn’t say that there are reasons that accompanied rape.  I would have spoken sooner if I knew that authorities took rape seriously. If I knew that I would have been protected, I would have spoken sooner. If I knew that someone would not take advantage of my vulnerabilities after this happened, I would have spoken sooner. If I knew that I could be normal in my response to the attack, I would have spoken sooner.

If I could have expressed true emotions after my attack without judgement on how I should be reacting, I would have spoken sooner.  If I knew that I could be safe with telling someone, I would have spoken sooner. I would have spoken sooner if I knew that people would not blame me or look for reasons as to why this happened to me. I would have spoken sooner if I was comfortable with knowing that a prosecution would have happened… a conviction and that my attacker would have been jailed. I would have spoken sooner if I knew that I did nothing wrong! I would have spoken sooner if I knew someone would have believed me.

Most of these reasons are my own. However, a lot of the reasons above are reasons that belong to other women about why they don’t speak up sooner or when it happens.

If I had someone who I could speak to who would have comforted me, rather than condemn me, I would have spoken sooner. If I knew that the world would not chime in on what they think I should have done differently about this night, I would have spoken sooner. If I knew that people would consider the circumstance and would not speak unless they knew what happened, I would have spoken sooner.

Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): As a single father how are you able to still raise your daughter with balance?

Ramel Werner (RW): The balance comes from having and maintaining a healthy relationship with her mother. No matter how we feel about each from time to time, Ryann loves and needs both of us.
EM: What has been some of the most challenging aspects of being a single father raising a girl? What has been some of the most rewarding aspects?

RW: Sometimes I have a hard time handling the over-sensitive nature she has, and I feel like I’m  not adequately helping her with things she gets upset over. The most rewarding aspect would be the absolute worship in her eyes when she sees me. As soon as I pick her up from school or walk into a room, all I hear is Daddy, Daddy!! No matter what kind of day I have had, that brightens my day 10 fold.

EM:  What are a few things she has taught you, especially as it relates to the nature of the female, that you appreciate?

RW: Ryann has taught me that no matter what insecurities I may have about myself, I am perfect in her eyes… That it is important to laugh… That prayer is a part of every single day. Every moment… To slow down and listen… To never give up… That spending time with them is more important than the perfect home… To not take life for granted… That her heart is more important than stuff… That being a father is a gift… To love. Deeply… That family is ultimate of importance… and the only perfect thing in this world is her smile.

EM: How important is it for you to be the example of the husband you hope she will have one day? What, if any, did you have to change about yourself? What values, advice and standards are you teaching her?

RW: When someone says “oh, your child looks like you”, you hope your child inherited your best features. But when someone says “oh, your child is doing this just like you”, you hope your child is not misbehaving in any way from your bad examples as a father.

One of the most important things I needed to change was my concept of success. There were many a times in my younger days, I was quick to quit something that wasn’t necessarily in my immediate reach. When Ryann was born I noticed a pattern when she would get upset easily. She would give up on the task at hand and move on to something else.  I started telling her whenever she was faced with adversity and wanting to give up that “Werner’s don’t quit.” I now know one of the many reasons God blessed me with Ryann was for me to remember that saying as well.

EM:  During certain transitions in her life that are women-specific, what support system do you have in place?

RW: I rely heavily on my mom and sister for support. I also have a network of women, family members and others who can translate some of what’s happening in my daughters life.

EM:  How do you approach the idea of dating as a single father? Dos and Donts, requirements of the woman you’re dating, the opinion/feelings of your daughter, etc.

RW: Easy. I don’t date. My main objective at this time is Ryann 1st and the relationship of her mother and I 2nd. It takes a good team work to raise your child right. I feel it’s important for me not to focus on attraction to other women until we’ve exhausted all possibilities of becoming one big  happy unconditional family.

EM: What is your response to those who speak critically of single fathers raising girls? What are your thoughts of single mothers raising boys?

RW: In all due respect to those who speak this nonsense… Are mothers and fathers different in how they raise children? You betcha. But so what! When these discussions arise, they should never, ever be about the parents. They must always be about the little ones who give us their trust that we’ll behave like responsible adults, and so, bring grace into their lives.

EM: Is there anything else you would like to add?

RW: My daughter Ryann has opened my eyes to the beautiful struggle fathers face in giving their lives to their children. It isn’t comfortable, and often times it flat out hurts, but raising a daughter builds depth of character that can only be understood by others who have traveled a similar path.

I thank God He saw fit to make me a father..

Ramel Werner is a proud father, motivator, educator and encourager. The desires he speaks of start with an alarm clock waking him up every morning and his goals toward them are what get him out of bed.

Follow Ramel on Twitter @ItsRamel and visit him online at www.ItsRamel.com 

Greetings H2H readers,

I wanted to share this interview with you all to bring some needed awareness to a subject that many don’t discuss. I, personally, know of at least 3 males who have experienced domestic violence from their spouse. Many don’t talk about their assaults due to the uneven perception of others or how it made them feel as a man. Yet, I believe this angle is long overdue for discussion.

According to BatteredMen.com,  5.3 million men are abused per year with 40% severe physical violence, but more often psychological. 

I pray this brother’s testimony finds a firm resting place in your minds & hearts. 

Thank you & Peace,

Ebony S. Muhammad, Publisher of Hurt2Healing Magazine

Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): Please share the background and circumstances which led to the domestic violence you encountered in your marriage? 

Rodney S. (RS): I am 28 years old, and I got married to my wife in September 2011. My Wife is 25 years old. We have been together for 4 years prior to getting married.

We separated in January 2013 due to me being assaulted by my wife. I don’t even like to call it that but it is what it is. The build up to this assault in my version goes like this.

It was a Saturday in January, and we were to going to my Sister-in-Law’s in London because it was her Birthday. We were going to be traveling with my In-Laws. At this time I was fasting, and I was doing a Daniel Fast so I could not eat meat and certain foods. I had asked my wife if she could find out what food might be at her sister’s so I would know if I could eat with them or not. She was not willing to ask and told me to bring my own food. So that morning I went out to get some food that I could prepare to bring with me. Before I left she asked me to buy a plate and bowl that to replace the ones that had accidentally broken months ago.

When I walked through the door I saw a text from her asking if I could get some eggs and other stuff. I apologized to her and said that I did not get the other stuff as I have only just seen the text message. She was annoyed and said, “Do you not look around the kitchen to see if there is any other stuff to get”? I said, “I’m sorry I did not look”.

I handed her the plate and bowl and she said that it did not match the current set we had and to take it back and aggressively asked when I would take it back. It silenced me and I said I would take it back on Monday.

To fast forward a little, we spent the day in London and she avoided me the whole time. The next day was Sunday, and she was working and I attended church. I got home from church quite late in the evening. I had been messaging her during the day to see that she was ok. When I got home she said to me she was going to bed. I said I’ll be up later. It was midnight and she woke up to go to the bathroom I was shutting down my laptop and just waiting for some updates to complete. She asked if I was coming to bed and I said yes and that I was shutting down the laptop. Then she moaned that I would wake her up when I come into the room. I said that you’re already awake, and then she said that when I wake up in the morning I would wake her and I said I’m sorry, but this happens every day.

We went to bed, and during while I was asleep I began to snore. She woke me up and asked me to turn over, because she could not sleep. So I sat up and said I can’t sleep on one side the whole night I toss and turn. She then pulled off the covers and stared at me. So I went to take the covers back so I could turn over, and I asked her to let go of the covers. She said nothing and stared at me I asked her 4 times to let go of the covers on the 5th time I shouted let go and my wife headbutted me in my face.

I sat in shock and in silence. I picked up my phone and called my In-Laws who live a 2minute drive from our flat. I told them what happened and asked them to come and take my wife. To cut a long story short they did not come. I sent a message to my church family via WhatsApp in brief saying, “Please pray, my wife has headbutted me”.

I threw the phone on the floor and attempted to go back to sleep. I was scared and in a lot of pain. At around 4am I woke up, picked up my phone and went into the living room. I called the emergency services and told them about my pain, and they said to come to A&E. I went back to the bedroom to tell my wife that I was in pain and that I was going to the A&E and she sniggered as to say, “Why are you going to the hospital”? I went and got checked out and informed my family. They did not allow me to go back to my flat as they said they are not burying their brother. We separated after this and I moved out of the flat to my sister, and I am still here till today.

EM: Did it begin with verbal abuse, and if so please share some of that and how it made you feel, think and respond.

RS: The verbal abuse between me and my wife came out of anger, frustration and most so because issues between us were never resolved. I felt I always apologized for things that were not my fault just to keep the peace. It would make me feel low and less of a man. It was all about power and control with my wife. She wanted me to lead, but she would not let me because she always liked to be in control.

EM: As a result, did you isolate yourself from family or friends you were close to? 

RS: We tried to resolve out issues as much as we could on our own. We had some counsel from church but were advised to get professional help. Our families did not get involved until the last minute. My wife did not like everyone knowing our business, and I felt the same way which is why we tried to resolve our arguments on our own.

EM: When and how did the abuse turn physical? Where were you when it took place?

RS: The first time it got physical was on my wife’s birthday when we went out with friends to a club. My wife had a few drinks prior going to the club. I did not want to get involved in the drinking, because the people we were with were not doing it responsibly. This upset my wife and caused her to distance herself from me the whole night. I approached her in the club and asked why she was avoiding me. It turned into an argument, and she ended up pushing her hand in my face which knocked my glasses off. I picked up my glasses and went towards my wife as I was angry at this point and her friends thought I was going to hit her and they stepped up to me. I am so glad they did this as I don’t know exactly what I was going to do if I got up to my wife. I got kicked out of the club. But this was when it started getting physical.

EM: What were triggers for her to act out toward you?

RS: The triggers would be raising my voice or not resolving things straight away if she was upset, because this would make her fester. I was not physically afraid of my wife, but her words could be quite damaging. It did not help that I was passive and just accepted it.

EM: At any point did you take on the belief that it was your fault and that you deserved what was happening to you as is the case with female victims?

RS: No. I knew I did not deserve to be treated like this. But I did not see the underlying issue and just moved on thinking that it would sort itself out. I realized that whatever started to make my wife become violent had to with something from before I came on the scene. I have never done anything to her that should make her react in that way. The only thing I do feel guilty about is not trying to get her help while we have been separated, but she does not talk to me and does not think there is anything wrong. She has to do this journey on her own.

EM:  What thoughts about being a male in an abusive relationship came up for you? What was the most difficult part about this for you?

RS: When I was headbutted I did not retaliate with violence. I never touched her at all. I immediately called my In-Laws to come and help and take her, but they failed and they did not come. My male friends salute me and say well done for not hitting her.

I was very hurt, because it made me think how many more men are there out there that are being abused and not talking about it. I initially was going to keep the incident to myself.

The difficult part for me was thinking to myself, “Why is this happening?” and “It’s not supposed to be this way”. I chose this woman to be my wife; I did not want anyone else. My confidence was knocked, and my manhood was violated which made me angry inside.

EM: What factors kept you from walking away when it first began?

RS: The fact I did not want to divorce. I knew marriage was hard work and my rationale was to keep working at it.

EM: Let’s go to the moment you knew it was time to leave. Did you confront her, inform her or leave without her knowing? 

RS: A phone call was made between us on that day in the morning when I came back from hospital, and we both said it was over.  My sister came with me to get some things from the flat so I could be safe and stay with her. This is how I left.

EM: What thoughts were going through your mind as you made moves to leave?

RS: I had butterflies. I did not want to divorce, but I was still in shock about what happened. Initially my safety came first so it was important that I left the flat for that reason. I was scared about the next steps so I was not 100% committed to getting out because I love my wife. I just knew she needed help.

EM: How did she react once she realized you were leaving her?

RS: I would not know as I was not around. We did meet up a few months after the incident to see where we were and what we would do to move forward. She was not interested in getting back together she was still angry about being brought in by the police for questioning about the assault. I said to her if this is the last time I ever see you I just want you to know that I am sorry for whatever it was that I did. I said I want to take responsibility for anything I did wrong.

EM:  What was your healing process like? What promises did you make to yourself as it relates to relationships?

RS: My family and friends were my support unit. They contacted me from time to time to check I was ok. I was going counseling prior to this incident and so I have continued with that. It had not been easy. I still get angry inside about the incident. It was very traumatic as the incident played over in my head for at least 2 months, and it was after that I could sleep properly. I didn’t make any promises about relationships, but if we do not reconcile then it will be a learning experience about how info about my future relationships.

I am stronger. I can walk the streets with my head held high, because I did nothing wrong. I would never retaliate with violence, and if I found myself in this situation again I would walk away. No one deserves it, but it’s hard because it’s always the one that loves you the most receives the most pain.

EM: What is your life like today?

RS: Well I’m still establishing my walk with Jesus. I am a Musician and I’m focusing on that. I am also focusing on my health and trying to lose weight by doing 5k runs, swimming, boxing and personal training sessions. I have a busy life but still make time for me. I treat myself now and then as I never used to before. I look after my family and try to enjoy my life and continue that journey if strength and happiness.

EM: For other men who are in abusive relationships, what words would you like to share with them? How would you appeal to the ‘male ego’ after suffering abuse? 

RS: I would say don’t hold it in. Speak to someone. There is no need to be afraid. You are more of a man if you did not touch her, but if you did God can forgive you. There is not much support for men on this topic so find other men that can help you and speak out. Do not be Afraid.

EM: Does the degree of abuse make a difference, meaning does it mean less if its only verbal vs. physical? What level of concern should there be at the first act of physical abuse? 

RS: I don’t think any abuse is acceptable. I advise to try and deal with it in the first instance via counsel or communication.

Once abuse becomes physical, firstly, get to a safe place and get help immediately.

EM: What are some Red Flags you suggest men to look for?

RS: In my case it was the anger and shouting. Also power, control and emotional bullying. That’s the red flags in my case.

EM: Is there anything else you would like to add?

RS: My wife was brought into the station for questioning as I reported the incident to the police. I did this to give her a wakeup call. I dropped the charges a few days later.

My wife has identity issues and is not in a good place. I believe she is fronting and just putting on show but deep inside she is hurting.

EM: Thank you very much for sharing your story beloved. May God continue to bless you and heal you.

RS: You’re welcome, and thank YOU.

Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): With your recent messages, “What Happened to Black Manhood and Masculinity”, what sparked that subject? What was it like for you preparing and delivering that message?

Wesley Muhammad (WM): I’ll answer the last (question) first. It was difficult delivering it, and I know as I said in the first lecture, it would be difficult receiving it.

What sparked it? I cannot say, Sister Ebony, that those two lectures or my crusading on the subject, if you will, were born from any event. You cannot be a follower, in my opinion, of the Honorable Brother Minister Farrakhan; you cannot be a Muslim in the Nation Of Islam, and one not see the un-manning of the Black man in America and not feel the sense of urgency about the un-manning of the Black Man in America. So those two lectures; the issue has been an issue that I’ve spoken out against and on for the longest.

What brought those two lectures together at this time? I resist being put in the normal rotation in Mosque Maryam. I don’t want to be put in the regular rotation. I only wanted to speak when Allah gives me something and a subject in my heart to speak on. So each of the four times that I spoke, it was because Allah put those subjects on my heart to speak on. It’s just a case that the subject has been a subject that I have been fighting against for a long time.

Yes, the preparation was difficult. I knew it would be difficult to deliver, because I knew it would be received with great difficulty. Indeed it was, because of the controversy.

EM: Yes sir, thank you. That goes right into the next question. What was the feedback like, especially from other Black men?

WM: Well, the Black men loved it. The number of Black men who came to me, literally in tears, was humbling. It spoke too, by Allah’s grace, the soul of our Black males. We knew, but we could not really warn precisely or articulate precisely how the life of every single Black man in America has been. We feel the un-manning. We can’t necessarily spot or spy the methods of it, but we live it, we feel and we’re burdened by it. Therefore, to hear it articulated and the methods laid out, it brought tears to so many Black men.

There was also mixed feelings and controversy. There were Black men who were burdened and are burdened by that knowledge now, because they have to go home. The sisters received it with mixed views and reviews, especially the younger sisters.

EM: Wow…

WM: Oh absolutely. Two things a non-domesticated manhood is a threat to in American society; White men and Black women. Black women have become accustomed to domesticated Black men. That’s what most Black women have in the home, and that’s what they have been accustomed to. So when I put that out there that the Black man is to be a man first in his home and he does not ask permission from his Black woman, a lot of brothers went home and sisters was like, “Don’t bring that s___ here”. Therefore, there was some conflict, but it was necessary conflict. The terms of our arrangement up to this point must be renegotiated, and the Black woman is the critical piece to the re-manning of the Black man.

Many sisters absolutely received it, totally. Either sisters appreciate Dr. Wesley or they don’t like Dr. Wesley anymore. The reason I say it was the young sisters is because it’s this young generation of sisters who are very different. It’s really the young generation of sisters who had no vision of real Black manhood. The older generation, at least they had a vision in their mind.  Masculinity was sold on television. Even if you didn’t live with it, you had Black masculinity in the media. Now, the media today, makes it total Black femininity (of the male). So the younger sisters are raised on that arch-type. They’re raised on men who are nine times out of ten, dealing with men whose emasculation is all but complete.

You have the Black matriarchy over here with the sisters and you got skinny suits over here with the brothers. Well a lot of the brothers in skinny suits, those sisters put them in skinny suits. That’s the “now” thing. You don’t see the older brothers in skinny suits. It’s the younger brothers, and it’s the younger sisters who co-signed those skinny suits.

So when the brothers go home and say, “I’m gonna get rid of this skinny suit”, the younger sisters have problems with that. So yes, there have been mixed feelings and controversy especially with the sisters. Black men reinserting themselves seems confrontational, seems arrogant, it seems all of that ugly stuff. Not that it is that, but in the Oromo tribe in East Africa, they say that a land of many hunchbacks, a straight back is ugly.

So my words are received about a Black man’s whose masculinity has been domesticated comes off as arrogant, egotistical and all of these things other than what he is trying to be – a man in a world that’s determined to un-man him.

EM: There was a Final Call tweet that quoted the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan stating, “There are efforts to feminize the Black male and plant seeds of homosexuality”. This tweet has three images of Black men, two of which are pro-athletes in tight fitted capri pants and loafers with no socks, and the third brother is on the runway with an actual dress on! (click below to see the full images displayed)

There are efforts to feminize Black men, and plant the seed of homosexuality https://t.co/P7GtvWdly1 #Farrakhan pic.twitter.com/SxrRgihZXD

— The Final Call News (@TheFinalCall) May 28, 2016

WM: Yes ma’am, Dwayne Wade…

EM: Right! So these images gave an illustration to the words Minister Farrakhan was speaking on about the feminization of the Black man. There have been over 200 retweets and countless comments. A lot of those comments were in such opposition to the concept of Black men being feminized even with having those images. There were many comments stating that none of those men are homosexual and asking how can clothes feminize a man.

How would you respond to those comments to show and prove that feminization is taking place with that example of clothing?

WM: Absolutely, yes ma’am.

One of my objectives in the first two lectures was to help our people and the world to see that the feminization of the Black man in America is not an isolated phenomenon. It is specifically a local manifestation of a global project. This global project of un-manning the Black man, White supremacy has engaged in it all over the Earth. American media has become so savvy in creating a virtual reality for most Americans. American media has become so savvy in hiding or concealing the reality of life in America for those who living here. But outside of America things are clearer, things are more stark. Therefore, by seeing the method that White supremacy uses all over the world, we can recognize those methods here in America.

One of the methods that White supremacy uses everywhere they go to achieve the objective is there can never be two men in any town. The White man must be the only man in town. Everywhere White supremacy goes, the White male must be the only man in town. So the local males are always feminized. The local gods are feminized, and they’re put in a dress. So skinny suits, skinny jeans appeared in South Africa before they appeared in the cities in America.

EM: Interesting…

WM: Skinny jeans were imposed upon the Zulu male, because Zulu masculinity, before the rise of the Nation Of Islam, was THE number one enemy to White Supremacy. The British colonial offices stated that the Zulu is the number one obstacle to White domination in Africa.  It wasn’t just Zulu military skill, it was at the root of their humiliating victory over Queen Victoria’s army. It was Zulu masculinity, because Zulu warriorhood was one part of the Zulu masculinity. Wisdom with Martial (Art) skills, masculinity, morality with integrity. It was that Zulu masculinity that the British were determined to break. They were determined to un-man the Zulu man.

One of their methods was 1) Impose an economic system that reverses the roles in the home 2) Redress the male in feminine clothing. So they imported the skinny jeans, and the ones who were caught in the skinny jeans were specifically the ones who were forced to fall victim to the new economic system, which meant they were forced into the gold and diamond mines of the British colonial capitalist system. So economic depression, role reversal in the home and redressing of the male is part of the process.

When we see an obsession with putting Black men, in particular Black men of fame, in dresses it is not an accident. Our brother, Dave Chappelle… HBO tried to assassinate his character when he walked away from $50 million. They made a concerted effort to put Black males in a dress. The dress was forced upon the Black male by the industry. In order the make the feminization of the Black male mainstream, mainstream people had to visualize it. You see it on the big screen, our heroes feminized.

Black men are being chemicalized and feminized. Who is behind this? [VIDEO] https://t.co/xZyR27xIpR #Farrakhan pic.twitter.com/J8GbnHAx8N

— The Final Call News (@TheFinalCall) July 5, 2016

So now they suggest that a man wearing a dress is not necessarily a homosexual. Well that is true, but the homosexuality is one part of the process of the feminization of the Black male. White supremacy’s objective is the un-manning the Black male, the domesticating of the Black male.  Homosexuality is too noble of a term (sarcasm) of what we’re really talking about which is sodomy; the nature of power politics of this society. That is part of the methods of White supremacy to dominate the Black male. White supremacy doesn’t have a need to sodomize every individual male. What they have a need of is un-manning every individual Black male.

The methods range from literal sodomizing of Black boys. For example, there was the National Institution of Health that dedicated $400,000  for a project conducted by John Hopkins University to study the satisfaction of under-aged Black boys that were being sodomized. That’s one method. The other method is putting chemicals in the water supply that literally reverses gender in levels. Other methods are making men present themselves before the world as women. That’s what we see in the tweets. When we see our men present themselves to the world as women, and we applaud it, the un-manning is successful.

EM: The comedian Dave Chappelle …

WM: Yes Dave Chappelle! That’s critical, because he blew the whistle on the conspiracy when they tried to force him to put on a dress. He said, “No”. He said that one executive after another, came in his trailer to force him to put on that dress. One of them says, “Well Dave, all of the greats have done it”. What that exec was really saying was, “All of your greats are great, because they complied with our demands to put on a dress and we allowed them to be great. If you, Dave, want to be great like them, you need to comply with this demand to put on a dress”. He would not do it.

When he first got in the industry, he didn’t know and he put on the dress. However, he said when he got in the industry and he started reflecting and seeing and putting the facts together, he said, “Oh, why are they putting all of us in a dress?” That day he stood up and resisted. The industry assassinated his character and his career. So we have a Brother Dave Chappelle, another whistle blower, if you will, on the inside the industry that lets us know that it’s a concerted effort that they dress our men of noted fame in a dress.

EM: I would like to go back to the younger Black females as well as the young Black males; if you could give more subtle ways that they are aiding in the un-manning that they can see better. I’m thinking in terms of the music and with some of the artists.

WM: The rise of the Frank Oceans…it’s not subtle when there’s not a Black reality show or any other kind of show that’s currently on television where there’s not a prominent Black flaming homosexual. There’s not one. It’s not an accident that within music there’s the embracing of gay artists. It’s not an accident, it’s not subtle. They are covert with it. They are open with it. It’s subtle if we don’t pay attention.

Nicki Minaj busted on the scene as this great lesbian except she’s not a lesbian! However, she was crafted, the artist “Nicki Minaj”, as this big promoter of homosexuality. So the industry is pushing homosexuality in our music and is pushing homosexuality in sports and entertainment. Every avenue to stomp out any vestiges of Black manhood, America is feasting. They will leave no stone unturned.

One subtle method, we spoke on last night on Sister Cassandra’s show about White supremacy. I was asked about Black boys in the public school system. I spoke on the experience of the Black boy in the public school system and the un-manning experience. The number one authority figure, for the most part, are Black females. Allah deposited the Black women with His attributes. So the Black woman, as the first teacher of the child, is qualified to teach our boys. However, that’s not what we have in the public school system. We don’t have that Black woman. We have the Black female that’s the spawn of, like we the Black male, American slavery.   The Black female in American society is a Black female that was shaped by White supremacy and its agenda of un-manning the Black male. So that’s what Black boys run up against in the public school system.  It’s in our Black homes.

So one asks why there are so few Black males in the public school system. Yes you hear the cries for more Black men in the school system, but not from the school systems themselves. The public school system does not accommodate the presence of Black males, and so there’s the subtle effort to maintain the public school system dominated both by White men and Black women. The two elements that are most threatened by the non-domesticated Black male. Black boys who are coming through the public school system, that’s all they have. If they don’t have strong Black male figures in their life, then not only is the public school system and pipeline to jails, it’s the pipeline to the un-manning of the Black male.

EM: My last question is: How can men honestly begin taking inventory of themselves to counter this effort against them?

WM: Black men: not only is it necessary to do an inventory of ourselves… The problem has been that we feel it, we live it but we can’t define it. We can’t visualize exactly what’s happening to us. Therefore, we have an enemy that we can’t see. We have a problem that we feel but we can’t identify. My hope is that my two lectures helped us see the enemy more clearly and see the problem more clearly. There are many ways we fall victim to this global project and not even know it.

The sagging pants: It literally signals to the White man that his boy has been or is ready to be appropriately sodomized. When a Black man is aware of the architecture of White supremacy domination of us, then we can make changes. When we know better, we can do better. Now that we know the context of the sagging pants and what it signals, now we can do better. So it’s critical for Black men to get the fuller picture of this process of our domination in order for us to be inspired to really fight it.

It is necessary for a Black man to have a genuine desire to be a man. In America, to be a real man is actually a declaration of war in American society. It will be an arduous process and we’ll make way more enemies than friends, both Black and White, both male and female. Unless our desire is very deep, Black men will not carry through with the process. We will have to fight everybody; our bosses, our mommas, our wives everybody! That’s real. Everything in this society makes a non-domesticated Black man an enemy. Most of our sisters, our mothers and our wives; they mean well. They don’t know they are a victim of this system as well. Therefore, they need to hear and know. But it starts with the Black male having the desire to be a man.  When we declare that, all of the forces of this society will come against us. So our desire must be strong enough to withstand all of that.

“Every man, in order to be a man, must be a man of God or he’s not a man at all!” – The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan

It will make life more difficult, but once the Black man finds his self-respect he must fight like hell, anybody and everybody and everything, to preserve it. Unfortunately that first fight, most often, starts in the house. Not a physical fight, of course, but the Black woman has not been raised on that. The Black woman or Black female, the Black matriarch has to get used to non-domesticated black manhood. It’s going to be a process and it won’t be easy.

What’s critical is that when the Black man finds his self-respect, he never ever negotiates it; not with his boss, not with his wife not with his superior officer. Never negotiate a new found self-respect.

The sisters: I cannot stress this enough, there is no resurrected Black man except the Black woman is the agent of that resurrection. The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan said this on the Breakfast Club. A man cannot be a man without a woman. In fact he said that a man doesn’t even know that he is a man without a woman. A woman will test us, and if her heart and mind is right, she will test us in a way that will bring out the God in us. It is absolutely necessary. The Black woman is the Isis. Your Black man is the dead god, Osiris. There is no resurrection for Osiris except through Isis. Isis’ source of power is raising up her dead god, and it is through the power of her words. The Black woman’s tongue can literally bestow life on her man.

The Black woman must save her role, her critical role, her central role in the process of resurrecting the Black man.

EM: Thank you very much, Brother Wesley, for your words and for your work! May Allah continue to bless you and strengthen you.

WM: All praise is due to Allah. Thank you Sister Ebony.

Be sure to get your personal copy of Dr. Wesley’s latest publication: Understanding the Assault on The Black Man, Black Manhood and Black Masculinity.

You are welcome to follow and connect with Brother Wesley on social media. Twitter | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The Exclusive with Fudia Muhammad

Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): First, I must congratulate you on your first and newly published book “Children Of The Most High: Giving Birth To A God & The Science Of Child Rearing” and your current book tour! How has the response been and how has it been being on tour with this unique approach to a topic like motherhood?

Fudia Muhammad (FM): All praise is due to Allah (God)!  Wow, thank you so much, Sister Ebony – the response has been so wonderful, I am truly grateful!  The book was released on March 28, 2019 and the excitement from others about its release was immediate and overwhelming.  We are just getting started on the book tour, so we have only completed three cities out of the seventeen stops currently scheduled, but with each location, the response has only been positive and encouraging. 

There is nothing like having an unrelenting passion for something, growing it to a vision; going to work to make that vision a reality, and then it gets taken to another level because your Brothers and Sisters support you in that effort.  But I have to say, the most thrilling aspect of this entire experience is to be able to witness young people and those who are not familiar with this aspect of The Teachings of the Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad, become completely rapt and intrigued by learning something so profound that they have never heard before.  I am so grateful to the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan for giving me that same experience as a new Believer when I heard his five-part lecture series, How to Give Birth to a God, for the first time!

EM: May is pinned as Mental Health Awareness Month as well as the month where the world is observing Mother’s Day. I thought we could combine both and discuss the topic of Postpartum Depression (PPD).

FM: Yes ma’am.  It’s a very important topic and I would be happy to have that conversation.

EM: For those who are familiar with the term but unclear of what it means, can you please explain what postpartum depression is?

FM: Yes ma’am, certainly.  Postpartum depression is an illness.  It’s a mental illness that can build slowly or manifest instantly after a woman gives birth.  It should not be confused with “baby blues,” which is a brief period of sadness, anxiety or frustration that some women experience after giving birth which has more to do with the dramatic and sudden shift of hormone levels.  Baby blues only last for two to three days.  However, with postpartum depression the symptoms are more intense and last much longer.  Symptoms of depression that manifest within six months after giving birth and last for more than two weeks is likely postpartum depression. 

The symptoms vary from woman to woman and range on a spectrum.  Women may experience extreme mood swings: feelings of sadness, restlessness, anxiety, irritability, or anger.  They may lose interest in those things that typically brought them joy, they may lack energy or motivation; which leads to feeling guilty, hopeless and worthless.  Physically, women may experience excessive crying, insomnia, sleeping too often; or there can be a loss of appetite and extreme weight loss or weight gain.  Women may also show very little interest in their new baby or can even feel that life is not worth living.

EM: What exactly causes PPD, and is it more prominent in some versus others? What determines whether one will experience PPD?

FM: Unfortunately, the exact cause of postpartum depression is unknown.  We do know that all women experience dramatic changes in hormone levels during and after pregnancy, which can certainly produce a chemical change in the brain.  However, some women are able to navigate that shift better than others.  So, there are many factors involved.  But, based on the physical health of the mother before and during pregnancy, her family history of depression and other mental illnesses, her current family dynamics and her level of stress during pregnancy may predetermine which women are more heavily inclined to experience postpartum depression. 

According to mental health experts, postpartum depression is most likely to occur if the woman has previously experienced any type of depression; if her pregnancy was unwanted; if her relationship with her spouse or the baby’s father is strained; if she does not have close family or friends to depend on; or if she is experiencing financial difficulties.  Women may also be predisposed if they experienced severe premenstrual syndrome (PMS); if they experienced any stressful life changing events during pregnancy; if they had a difficult pregnancy, complications with labor and delivery; or if their baby was premature or had any health problems.

EM: You are a mother of four amazing children; three boys and a girl. What are their ages? To the degree that you’re comfortable, please share what it was like regarding your experience overcoming PPD.

FM: All praise is due to Allah (God)!  Yes, ma’am they are indeed a joy and a tremendous blessing – I am so grateful to Allah (God) for continuing to guide and protect them.  My oldest son, Aquil, is 21; Rashad just turned 20; my daughter, Nadiyah, is 15; and little Halim is 7. 

Wow, this is my first time sharing this with anyone outside of my family and a few of the Sisters in the MGT who were around at the time; but here we go. 

I experienced postpartum depression after having my daughter.  At the time, it seemed to come out of nowhere and it literally shook me because prior to my experience, I was so ignorant and judgmental about the whole thing.  I always wondered:  How could anyone be depressed after experiencing the majesty of childbirth; what’s wrong with these women?  I didn’t even recognize right away what was happening and I certainly did not want to admit that what I was experiencing was in fact postpartum depression. 

I didn’t recognize it because I always thought that postpartum depression meant you were suicidal, or you wanted to harm your baby, and neither was EVER a thought in my mind.  I felt no detachment or resentment toward my daughter at all.  In fact, because I was struggling mentally, I probably overcompensated with overt expressions of love, hoping that would shield her from my issues. 

But there was no denying the physical and emotional symptoms.  I was crying about everything – and I am one who is always smiling and happy.  But I was so sad and overly anxious.  I had no appetite, but I forced myself to eat because I was breastfeeding.  I was jealous of my husband, who went to work everyday and had adults to talk to.  And worst of all, I could not sleep – my mind raced all night long.  The smallest issues seemed completely overwhelming.  And my perception of how others viewed me was completely warped.  My poor husband didn’t know what to do.  He called my mother and she came running.  Her physical presence and comfort helped each time she came, but it wasn’t enough to get me all the way back to myself.

My depression was triggered by two major changes in my life that took place near the end of my third pregnancy.  I had been a member of the Nation of Islam for over eight years at that time and I served as the local Student MGT & GCC Captain for seven of those eight years.  I chose to officially step down from this post during my maternity leave from the mosque because as the soon-to-be mother of three children under the age of six, I did not think I could balance it all and my children were my priority.  Even though it was my decision to step down, I realized that my identity as a Muslim was tied to my post.  I didn’t know how not to be in charge. 

The second major change was that my husband and I bought our first house.  We literally moved in three weeks before my daughter was born.  I was so excited and relieved to be in a brand-new home; but in hindsight, a brand-new baby and a brand-new house was too much in too short a time span.  Our home needed everything to get it in order and so did my baby.

There was a period of about three months where my symptoms were very intense and scary.  Then gradually, due to a combination of real spiritual, mental and physical work, I could see that I was getting better with each week and month that passed.  But if I am being honest it took nearly a full year before I could say with confidence that I had no signs of depression at all.  I don’t know this for a fact, but it may have taken me so long because I did not seek any professional help.

EM: What key elements were significant to your successful rise through and above PPD?

FM: I want to be very careful here because what worked for me may or may not work for someone else.  For some women, their symptoms are so severe that if they do not seek professional help, it could lead to postpartum psychosis and real attempts to hurt themselves or their newborn.

I was blessed to be a student and follower of the Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad, under the leadership and guidance of the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan.  What that meant was that even during the worst moments of my depression I was fully conscious and aware of the reality of God and I never doubted that He would in fact get me through.  I knew that I was in the midst of a severe trial and that Allah (God) had the power to help me through it. 

I remember at the time, I kept meditating on words I had recently heard from the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan…He said that when we go through a severe trial, it will either make us better or worse; but we will not remain the same.  Well that was it for me.  There was no way I was going to be worse so I was determined to deal with some painful things so I could get better.  I knew from The Teachings that at the root of my depression and all depression is ingratitude.  My ingratitude was exacerbated by comparing myself to others, having irrational fears and not feeling appreciated. 

Taking medication was not something I was willing to do because I was breastfeeding, and I did not trust the long-term side-effects on my mind and body.  And unfortunately for me, at the time, I was ignorant to the value of essential oils, teas, herbs and other naturopathic healing remedies.  If I had known a psychologist who was also rooted in the Teachings, I would have gladly seen him or her; but the last thing I was going to do was trust the enemy with my private thoughts.

So, I began writing when I couldn’t sleep.  I jotted down all of my thoughts so I could address them one by one at a later time.  Every time something came to my mind, I wrote it down.  The act of transferring my thoughts to paper allowed me to fall asleep!

Though it was so painful at the time, I now know it was a blessing that I couldn’t hold anything in, all my stuff was coming out.  I had atonement sessions with some family members and Believers that I had both real and perceived conflicts with and felt lighter and freer with each completed session.  I talked to my husband about all my insecurities, irrational fears and weaknesses so that he wouldn’t unknowingly say or do something that would trigger them.  I literally could not handle hearing about his day at work for a long time.

I made sure to make myself exercise with regularity because I always immediately felt better afterward.  It was a struggle, but I went through the motions of keeping up with my obligations at home and at the mosque until it was no longer a struggle.  I had to force myself to put one foot in front of the other every single day.  Thankfully, I never stopped praying.  I was very aware that I could not get through this without Allah’s (God’s) help and I could feel Him healing me.  It was as if every lecture I listened to by the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan was tailor made for me and my current state; so, I kept feeding on his words. 

EM: What should women know about the likelihood of PPD ahead of conception, while they’re expecting and after they give birth that may not be common knowledge?

FM: They should not be afraid or overly concerned about having postpartum depression, but they should definitely be aware of the possibility of it.  We are taught that every physical law has a spiritual counterpart.  Therefore, we cannot prepare the body for pregnancy and neglect the mind and the spirit.  Issues on the spiritual and mental plane often manifest physically.  Seek a healthcare practitioner that focuses on holistic health, healing the whole being (mind, body, spirit).  Focus on seeking balance in these areas before conception, during pregnancy and postpartum.

EM: I was with a postnatal massage client who recently gave birth and said she thought PPD was normal and was the only way to feel after having children. How would you respond?

FM: That’s really sad and unfortunate that she feels that way because it means she has not had the pleasure of experiencing the pure elation and joy of bringing life into the world.  It may be common, but it certainly is not normal to be depressed after childbirth.  The Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad said the brain was created to think right.  When we are depressed, the brain is not doing what it was created to do.  Postpartum depression is a sign of mental or chemical imbalance.  I did not experience any depression or prolonged sadness during three of my four pregnancies, so I know for a fact that it is not the only way to feel.

EM: To those currently battling PPD and feel as though they are losing the fight, what words do you have for them? 

FM: Allah (God) can never be left out of the equation.  Go to Him first and not last.  No matter how impossible a situation may appear to you; it’s easy for Allah (God).  He is possessor of power over ALL things.  The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan reminds us that when we pray to Allah (God) we cannot have any doubt that He will answer our prayers.  Pray and then get the help you need.  That may mean getting professional help; going to therapy and even getting your chemical levels balanced (naturally).  Reach out for help and do not give up.  This is a mental illness that can be overcome. 

EM: Is there anything else you would like to add? 

FM: Allah (God) fashioned us with the capacity to handle all trials, misfortunes and challenges.  He is Merciful in that way.  He does not give us more than we can handle.  Do not be afraid of the process that may lead to a better you.  If Allah (God) did not manifest our defects, we would not know they exist.  And if we are not aware of their existence, we cannot correct them.  So, trials purify, and purification brings us closer to oneness with God; which should be our ultimate goal.  How else can we bear witness to the reality of God and His power to save if He does not send us through a severe trial that only He can get us out of?

(Sister Fudia Muhammad is a member of Muhammad Mosque No. 64 in Austin, Texas. She is married to Student Minister Robert L. Muhammad and they have been blessed with four children. Sister Fudia holds a Master’s degree in Education – she is a writer, an educator and an advocate for God-centered child-rearing. https://www.givebirthtoagod.com/)

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